Pa's Monkey Lab

Death Ray Pa

2006-03-08T15:11:00.000-08:00

The Prof apologises for his recent absence but things in the lab have been extremely busy of late what it the building of 'death rays' and concentration on the movement on the lab to the big smoke. A sound hurrah has gone up among my monkey mates however as it means we dont move for another two weeks, two final weeks of access to the world mega global net and the sending and receiving of electronicised mails.

A big shout out to the Ronster and Willster for showing their faces yesterday evening for the poor shambles of a game that was Chelsea v Barcelona. Another super poor performance tonight by Rafapool saw Bennyfica through to the next round, what is the world coming to....the sooner this death ray is built the better!

Pictured: The Profs best friend Arthur G

Great Brazilian and fake German tanks

2006-02-23T09:19:00.000-08:00

What an evening of contrasts, a fantastic evening of football by Barcelona....genius Ronaldinho, great Messi, some nice Robben dribbling and great game overall.

Now the contrast, the Prof being a a great fan of WW2 era everything (ngoi) was quite pleased to see that TG4 were showing Battle of the Bulge last night. The Battle of the Bulge, as you all know, was Hitlers last great push against the Allies by attacking through the Ardennes in 1944 (ngoi). Starring the likes of Henry Fonda, Charles Bronson, Robert Shaw and Telly Savalas

However the Prof was perplexed to say the least as the film attempted to pass off American M-26 Pershing tanks as German 'Tiger' and 'Panther' tanks. Anyone in the their right state of mind would jump up and cry foul at this misdeamour of hsitorical accuaracy as i did. Granted the film was filmed in 1965 and the storyline is fairly dreadful but come on lets have replica tanks in their.

The Profs tuppence worth

Livers of the world unite!

2006-02-20T05:52:00.000-08:00

Well, what a weekend! The Prof and his fellow monkey mates attended a 'How to kill your liver' conference all day Saturday. The day started out with a well deserved win for Liverpool over Monkeychester, should have had a few more, though the game wasnt the best over all. A big shout out must go to Wilbur for:

a. Bringing Vodka & Fig to the conference
b. Brigning Whiskey & Cream to the conference
c. Bringing Plum & Vodka to the party
d. Allegedly breaking his nose and toe

There were many memorable performances such as Boylan taking the young life of a handsome can of Guinness, lobbing him Pa-wards before exiting in a gettaway taxi and waking me out of my slumber the following day after planting his keys on me, you dont need an excuse to visit Boylan. Also of note was the appearance of Mango & Ger in the boozer, 3.5 mins after some pordn....two guys on a couch watching pordn?? Apparently Mangey is in pain after "pulling" something. Finally i would like to thank the greatest man of the day, one Mr. Arthur Guinness....no more need be said.

Monkey Lab playmates of the week

2006-02-17T06:45:00.000-08:00

Hermaphrodites are a rarity these days, thats we we're glad they decided to pose as Monkey Labs Playmates of the Week. Boyley McGicker and Rasher O' Lovely are caught by papparazzi leaving their hotel, while Boylely smoulders Rashers is visibly shocked.

Liverpool v Monkeychester Utd

2006-02-17T01:02:00.000-08:00

Maybe its all the Guinness swirling around my innards but im in fighting mood today, not the physical fighting of course but the verbal kind. More drink and some nice food will be consumed tonight courtesy of the good people at Wongs and then its the drinking event of the century tomorrow. The century you say? Yes the century...whys that you ask? good question i says....well there will be a gathering to see if Liverpool can knock Monkeychester United out of the cup tomorrow....it'll be sloshtastic.

Your resident Scoop Monkey will be there to report on any happenings...stay tuned folks!

Munich...or Munchen if your German (minus the umlaut)

2006-02-16T01:51:00.000-08:00

The Prof attended a screening of Munich yesterevening with Rashers O' Lovely in the Omni-dome. While the Prof was pleased with the film in general he would not go as far to say its was great, not to say that it was not great so to speak. Eric Banana was quite good as lead with some good supporting roles, Geoffrey Rush was a tad annoying though. I was informed later by Rashers O' lovely however that large chunks of the real life events were omitted however probably in the name of dramatic licence i suppose.

The Prof woulf give this movie 7 out of 10 bananas.

Valentines dinner - love with a side of stress

2006-02-14T01:19:00.000-08:00

Here at the monkey lab my fellow monkeys have been trying to divise a formula for the best Valentines day dinner ever. Prof Pa decided to cook his special lady monkey a meal today as a gesture of love, unfortunately Prof Pa's area of expertise is in the bedroom and not the kitchen...whe, whe , whe...anyway he could do with some suggestions.

Uncoiling a transfibulator matrix or de-energising an energy machine may be as easy as pie to the Prof but his Kitchen Mechanics could be notched up. On a related note the Prof frequented the Man O War booze shop on Sunday for lunch, great little boozer. They were advertising their Valentines menu, quite reasonable, which included 'Pigeon in Port and Soy'. The Prof has asked his fellow monkeys to check out the aphrodisiac qualities of Pigeon.....he's still waiting for the results.

An alarming weekend

2006-02-12T16:18:00.000-08:00

Prof. Pa, Monkey Overlord, did not have an amusing weekend at all,thanks to his house alarm. It teased, cajoled and toyed with the Profs mental well being for most of the weekend. The story starts when the alarm started to ring at approx 11am Saturday morning, the Prof thought it was odd as th alarm wasnt set however his monkey coding tamed the beast. Verse two began at 6:30pm and unfortunately the alarm persisted in bellowing its chimy chorus for approx 20 mins before eventually taking a break.

The house alarm took the biscuit, apple tart and chocolate gateux thought by going off at 2:30am. Well, the Prof thought, another tantrum that would soon desist. Little did he realise the alarm was going for the world chiming record and contiued to sing til the morning, the Prof having to get a professional in at 10am the next morning and paying €120 to 'take it out'. The alarm system is survived by a keypad downstairs and a fuse box in the poxy attic.

The Profs advice for the week? Get a dog....

Another exclusive for Monkey Lab

2006-02-10T03:36:00.000-08:00

Folks it happened here first, following our exciting exclusive about Pukey and his self portrait he has been featured on this months premier arts magazine Monkey Painting. Pukey is pictured on the front and there is an in dept article on 'Painting with Poo'. Pukey is pictured on the front painting a landscape in poo, our little friend hasnt forgotten us though and had these words for his apes and colleagues in the lab:

"Monkey lab is not a place, its a state of being. Its like finishing a pack of Rolos and realising that last special one went to the most speacial person in the world....yourself! If it wasnt for the monkeys of monkey lab and the janitor who sold me drugs id never have become a household name like Domestos or Ibuprofen"

Pukey claims he will not let the fame get to him and has promised to commission a painting for the lab as soon as had a few weetabix. Please note that the publisher of this article does not condone the use of hard weetabix.

Freaky Friday Fake and the Mebuary: The Legend

2006-02-10T02:42:00.000-08:00

Some people never learn, do they? Undercover reporter Jimmy Imaturk tried to sneak into the Monkey Lab compound during the week to get an exclusive for several newspapers. Unfortunately Jimmys dreadful disguise wasnt enough to fool three angry Gorilla guards who tried to dismantle Jimmy before throwing him off our property. After discussion our group has agreed that fingers and ears are useful, Jimmy please send your postal address to PO Box 100, Monkeytown and we will return your missing bits as soon as possible. Jimmy is pictured pleading for his ears back....

Mebuary: The Legend

People often ask me what is Mebuary? As the old saying goes, its not quite May, its not quite Febraury but man.....

The roots of Mebuary stretch back to the Democratic Monkey Convention of 1947 when Herbery A. Beaverhead argued that monkeys and apes everywhere should have an extra month. Employers were extremely please with the extra working days while your average ape applauded the inclusion of four Drexdays as well as two Scratchdays. It was enacted and delivered but problems soon followed when arguments erupted as to when exactly Mebuary was, factions soon broke into two distinct camps the 'Post February Mebuarists' and the 'Pre May Mebuarists'.

The PFM claimed that Mebuary followed February and complemented March, calling a pre May Mebuary unfeasible. Meanwhile the advocates of Pre May Mebuarism termed the PFM 'coconut heads' and claimed that Mebuarys rightful place was pre May. A compromise was a pssibility when disgruntled members of the PFM and PMM put forward a compromise of splitting April in half and inserting Mebuary, the PFM and PMM outrightly refused to agree calling them 'crazy eyed monkey heads'.

Mebuary finally found its righful place in 1979 when George Lucas held the first Mebuary Reconciliation Conference on board the set of the Millenium Falcon. Some members of the PFM and PMM declared Chew Bacca a monkey god before it was pointed out that he wasnt actually a monkey, these monkeys are now referred to as Chewbaccanists and their tiny cult has nearly died out. The results of the conference were an agreement that Mebruary would be broken into four phases of ten days and that a Pre April Mebuary would come into effect in 1980. Lucas turned down the idea of Vader stating that he was a monkey rather than Lukes father only after Hansel B Hungwell, junior presidnet of the PFM became intoxicated on banana liquer and tried to show Chewie who is daddy was.

To all those Mebuarists and Drexdayologists out there, happy Drexday!

Why Banana Republics are a good thing.....

2006-02-09T09:47:00.000-08:00

It is the considered opinion of this fine monkey institute that Banana Republics have been given a bad rap in the past. Bananas are a fine source of Potassium for growing monkeys and are instrumental in the growth of hairy tails and arms. Republics harbouring bananas should therefore be recognised as super-states or 'feeder countries'.

Lack of bananas has led in some parts to the breakout of 'Rashion', symptons include wobbles of the head, eye rolling and tutting. Many monkeys are struck down each year by 'Rashion' or as its crudely termed by some apes 'The Rash'. This terrible affliction is considered worse then 'genital scotch' in some parts of the monkey world and this writer would also consider it so.

So, in summary long live the Banana Republics around the world and long may they flourish otherwise we may all fall prey to 'genital scotch' or 'the rash'.

Dr. Bowlox
PhD, BSc, MSc, BuM, KooNT

Monkey art....a thing of the past or a thing of the future??

2006-02-09T04:43:00.000-08:00

Pukey the Chimp brought this masterpiece today, he painted it with a banana while experimenting with LSD.....hes called it 'Self Portrait'

2006-02-08T08:20:00.000-08:00

This site is brought to you from the Monkey Cave Lab in the Fingallian Jungle, this is dedictaed to all monkeys and apes out there....we will be reporting from time to time on any monkeying around or mis-APEpropriate behaviour (apologies)

A big shout out to my fellow monkeymen out there:

Rashers the Chimp
Mango the Baboon
Puppy the Howler Monkey
Del the Proboscis Monkey
Aggro the Gorilla
Fooley the Marmoset/Marmalade

As for me, well in 2006 a crack monkey unit was sent to Guantanamo Bay by a military court for a WMD they didn't steal. These monkeys promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Port Tunnel. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as monkeys of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire Pa's Monkey Lab..... da da da da din din din da da da da da da......